Dear you

Dear you,

It's hard to find the words to justify what I want to elude towards your very existence.  So much, that even typing this seems very lame within itselfs.  I search dictionaries and thesauraus online to try and find the right literary devices that are worthy of your name.  I'm left swifting through the Z's with nothing but empty compliments that im sure you are graciously used to hearing from many robotic men every day.  You're beautiful sounds so corny and overused that I wouldnt dare comment on such an atrocious pickup line.  And yet, would you like to go out seems to simple, not yet elegant enough for someone of your stature.  Once again I'm lost.  Not knowing what to say so I say absolutely nothing. 

All that said or lack there of, I'd love to take you out.  Not to a bar or to a club, but on a proper old fashioned date.  Dinner at a nice fancy resturant at the heart of the city.   A nice walk along the sidewalk underneath the street lights that illuminate the path that we walk on.  To be able to lay out a blanket below the moon and watch the stars seems marvelous and what an exceptional way to describe your beauty with such a sentiment.   No need to talk, the moment would speak volumes for the moment.  Why doesn't this sound appealing to anyone anymore?  Not just anyone, you.  Would you enjoy it?  I'm afraid I may never know.  But I would have you home in time for a good nights sleep.  Why? Because even as much as I want to spend more time with you, I'm a gentleman and theres no need to stay out all night.  I realize that now.  

Everytime I see you, you are stuck with me all day. So I write, in some form or way about you.  Subtly laying hints down that I want you to see, knowing very well that you may not have seen a single word.   But I want something to look forward to when the alarm goes off everyday.  I'm better that way.  I dont enjoy the self wallowous person I am when nothing excitements or interest me through a given day.  It's not pleasant, for anyone that I come into contact with.  I'm a very passionate individual, but I need something to be passionate about in order for me to share my gift.  I'm not conceeded, I have little self confidence.  I'm not trying to hide behind a lie like many people.  I'm not good at hiding or masking my emotions, they are out there for the world to see.  And as much as I can bare physical pain, the emotional side makes me mentally weaker, and I dont like that. 

I can be the guy that you dream of.  I dont know if I could make other girls jealous of what you have, but I would always be loyal to you.  I'm aware that some like a mystery, or like men who play hard to get,  but thats not me.  I'm an open book, ready to be read.  I want to tell my story, that's what I'm good at.  Putting words down on paper for others to read so that I dont have to confront them personally.  Not that I fear a direct confrontation, in fact I welcome it on many occasions to reap what the other person is made of, but I tend to come off as a different person in person.  I'd rather be known as the strong, silent type with a nice persona.  Because deep down, that's the kind of man I am.  A man none the less.

If you're reading this and wincing, I'm sorry I have the ability to be honest with myself and others, while you continue to mascarade in an emasculating manner that I see right through.  We as individuals are different, but we all come from the same seed.  We're all woven from different cloths but the root of us are all the same.  It's science.  Whether we were just spontatously created or evolved over time from whatever type of mass organism, the theory and presence stay the same.  To hypothasize something different would be a waste, because it won't get you anywhere but more and more quesions of irrelevance.  We all feel pain, happiness, and lonliness.  No matter how happy or fake you want to act on facebook, the world knows.  The people that are around you know what's really going.  Why face the world as a lie?  You can't be helped that way. 

But back to her.  Where's there to really say.  She's everything I look for in a woman. She's the kind of person that I would stand out in her front yard with an old boom box over my head playing a love song like John Cusack did in Say Anything.  Or would I?  I would in theory, but not sure I would comfortable in that setting.  Setting myself up for a moment so vulnerable that I wouldnt be able to bare it.  Being torn to pieces by others internally my entire life, taking every bit they had to throw my way.  Chewing it up and taking it out on a leather wrapped bag of sand.  I'm not sure I want to expose her to that though.  Right now she barely knows me, and thinks nothing more or less of me than the norm, and im ok with that.  There's only so much a person can go through with thier own prior commitments, and only so little someone can put another person through. 

Cause in the mist of things, she was as broken as I was.  She hid it better than I did, but I knew.  And I assume that is what caused us to find each other, and how I fell for her, without knowing her feelings towards oneself.  I'd rather not know though.  Things are easier this way.  Easier knowing she's out there, a good person.  A person that I admire.  Sparing her of any kind of heartache I would only bring her in the future.  No need for her to be anymore broken, and im not sure I could fix her, although I would certainly try and accept her as such.  I'm just being a realist.  Maybe it's a relief compared to the many cocky, self deluded men out there today just looking for a hook up.  Maybe i'm just afraid of change and opening up again.  Or maybe I just know how this person should be treated, and I'm not sure I'm in the right place mentally to be that for someone.  I want to be, I really do, but batteling my own demons are tiring.  I can relate and understand others, but overcoming mine are hard enough.  She deserves to be someones first, and im afraid that myself comes first right now, at least until I get everything figured out.  It's an uneasy path that I continuously find myself on.  What to do, Where to go from here.  I honestly don't know.