Restitution

Hey, its me again.  It's the start of a new year so I thought I would write something, to help make sense of it all.  Doubting it will bring any sort of moral satisfaction to anyone that reads it.  Today is just another day for me.  Another day of never ending struggles and constant solitude thats hard to dig my way out from.  Dont want to face the outside world filled with happy and self confident people.  Many are afraid that it will all come to an end this year.  What a relief that would be.

Marking the end of the Mayan calender in which most people aren't even relatively aware of its significance, or its lack there of due to its vague properties of telling future prophecy.   Don't believe everything you hear on the history channel.  Yes, there is truth to alot of it, but many of it is exaggerations for the art of television.  You are being suckered into the illusion that it could all end.  Even citing revelations to hold merit to your prediction.  Yet, revelations is just as vague as the calender and what it represents.  No exact date, no modern day detail, and no proof that any such things are going to occur this year.  And although I may be a cinic, because I choose to not believe in such audacity, no one is less afraid of it happening, whether it happens or not.  I welcome it.

My resolution for 2012 is going to be hard to overcome, considering what I suffer from has no meaningful solution or cure.  No amount of drugs, counseling, or money seem to be able to fix it.  Yet I still seek the restitution needed in order to pick myself back up to where I once was, which seems like ages ago.  Nearly 24 years old, I feel like im at a four way crossroad and every direction is dark, gloomy, and haunted with no end in sight.  Recently I envisioned a nurse standing next to me, egging me on about how things aren't that bad, and that how her professional opinion of me makes me want to burn her degree of certification.  How dare she speak on a subject matter she clearly knows nothing about.  I wouldnt love anything more than to shove these pills she gave me down her throat just to show her that my anger still persist and that her diagnosis was exactly how I suspected it would be, false.  I know im angry, I know I have disgust and hatred running through my veins, yet all she can do is repeat the already given and prescribe a worthless solution that solved nothing.  Now im exactly what I was before, only filled with more resentment than ever. Restitution is what im fighting for.

My days are over before they even begin.  Why must I live in a land of torture.  There are so many good people in this world.  Why cant I find one for me?  To make me a better person, and to help me get back to not caring about the little things, because the little things bother me the most these days.  And they haunt me like a suseptible plague of darkness.  Day in and day out, its the same ruitine.  I grow weary of night fall because of how it captivates my senses and turns my depression tired.  In bed at 9 oclock, not because I have to be, but because my body just wants to aid and heal itselfs from all the battles it fought through that day.  This is everyday.  I didn't go to war for a reason, but even in America I'm still fighting for me.  Don't feel sorry for me, I dont want the sympathy.  I just want to be better.  If you're really listening, you would hear me. 

Restitution