I wont apolagize in advance for how raw this is going to be. This is who I am, and although I am holding back language that may offend some, my thoughts have no censorship on them. This isn't basic cable. This is HBO. Judge me how you want, say what you want, read what you want, but if your going to do it, do it to my face, so I can show you that whatever wrath of God that you bring with, I will destroy with the collases and scars of my fist.
.
Realistically, I dont understand the contant need, or any need for that matter, to praise an invisible man that allows such lives to be lived so miserably. I can't honestly remember the last day I awoke from my only peaceful moment in which I was happy to see a new day. Maybe I'm alone in this matter but I'm always angry, always filled with hatred towards the world and its people. No matter what happens to me. Whether its getting approved for a home loan for 215,000 dollars, or getting another new car worth 60,000 dollars, or getting an annual raise of 15,000 dollars. Sure, their is a brief moment in which I'm excited, but it passes the moment reality sets back in and the demons come rushing back with their voices. It's as if my demons have demons. Why can't this god make that go away?
.
Why can't I explain this to people so that they will understand? How do you explain to a therapist that you'd rather break all the knuckles in my hand on a cement bolder than have to deal with the pain that I carry inside? To explain that I understand how serial killers come to fruition. How I'd rather feel the tears of blood running down my face than the taste of salt walt. To explain something that can only be described as a dark passenger, than you carry with at all times, awaiting to erupt at any moment. How do you explain this to someone and still be described as normal. Psycho seems of a more fitting description and I hate the person that i've become and I blame no one. However Im told that I was created by this God, so in that respect this is all his fault. If he created the person I am right now in my life, he should be ashamed of himself and put in his resignation. In my mind and my heart, he retired along time ago and I dont ever see him coming back to work for me. Hell he never did work for me.
.
All I've ever asked for from him is one thing. One thing in which I curse him now because he allows me to suffer, while he mocks me with his thunderous laugh. So now I mock him, with my middle fingers to the air, letting him no he hasn't got ahold of me. And he has no meaning what so ever in my life. And im not so sure that even when, and if my problem goes away, I will ever find a place for this "thing" in my life. If I had another life, in which my parents used drugs and abandoned me at the time I needed them most, and 10 years later came back into my life thinking everything was good and well. No. If you abandon me at any time, you will never get my forgiveness. I dont forget who my real true friends are. God is not my friend, my creator, or my father. He is an abandoner. This is assuming, he does exist, in which I feel he's an awful person/holy spirit or whatever to worship.
.
A man who if created currency, only did so to cover up all aspirations of the contrary. One is led to believe that you can only find that joy in the form of little green pieces of paper with dead presidents photoshopped together. Colliding heads meet in the instance rich and poor come together, forming difference of opinions that aren't like assholes, but more resemblant of black holes in which all forms of matter get lost. It's a particle accelerator that has no off bottom. It's out to destroy. Who created this? This man that they demand us to get down on bended knee and worship. The only thing I will ever get down on bended knee for is my future wife before I propose to her. And i'll be damned if I get married in a church, but rather on the beach of Waikiki Beach in Honolulu, Hawaii. Where the sand is imported from Australia and the modern man made marvel exist only to me, as the 8th wonder of the world. Created by man.
.
Im not sure why they call us the human race, or why they call us selfish. The only race we as humans have are answers that never seem to get anything but questions. Questions upon questions. The world order that has evolved over the centuries has never seen anything like what we have going on now. It's significantly changes from the days of the yonder years. It's pretty sad though that the only memories of any kind of wonder years is the television series that was replayed on nick at night when I was a kid. Boy meets world was really boy meets girl, unless Topanga had an alias known as World. But why must I destroy my ear drums and vision with radiation and the sound of never ending instruments in order to simply drown out the thoughts that makes this devil we call satan, look like nothing more than a pussy cat.
.
Mayb there are no answers. Maybe I've come to the conclusion that there is no God. Maybe his is a figment of everyones imagination and the human face is so gullible in which they will believe in anything, as long as it makes them feel good. Maybe I am to much of a realist to buy into that BS. Maybe i'll pay for all of this someday, but I challenge that momemt to be more miserable than I am right now. Maybe i'll be singing a different tune someday, and when that happens the world will know. I will have a smile on my face. There will be no more broken mirrors, only heavybags. This is the biggest challenge of my life and its seemingly out of my control. I've gave this god plenty of time to take over and fix it and he hasn't. So I'm going to have to do this on my own.
.
Realistically, I dont understand the contant need, or any need for that matter, to praise an invisible man that allows such lives to be lived so miserably. I can't honestly remember the last day I awoke from my only peaceful moment in which I was happy to see a new day. Maybe I'm alone in this matter but I'm always angry, always filled with hatred towards the world and its people. No matter what happens to me. Whether its getting approved for a home loan for 215,000 dollars, or getting another new car worth 60,000 dollars, or getting an annual raise of 15,000 dollars. Sure, their is a brief moment in which I'm excited, but it passes the moment reality sets back in and the demons come rushing back with their voices. It's as if my demons have demons. Why can't this god make that go away?
.
Why can't I explain this to people so that they will understand? How do you explain to a therapist that you'd rather break all the knuckles in my hand on a cement bolder than have to deal with the pain that I carry inside? To explain that I understand how serial killers come to fruition. How I'd rather feel the tears of blood running down my face than the taste of salt walt. To explain something that can only be described as a dark passenger, than you carry with at all times, awaiting to erupt at any moment. How do you explain this to someone and still be described as normal. Psycho seems of a more fitting description and I hate the person that i've become and I blame no one. However Im told that I was created by this God, so in that respect this is all his fault. If he created the person I am right now in my life, he should be ashamed of himself and put in his resignation. In my mind and my heart, he retired along time ago and I dont ever see him coming back to work for me. Hell he never did work for me.
.
All I've ever asked for from him is one thing. One thing in which I curse him now because he allows me to suffer, while he mocks me with his thunderous laugh. So now I mock him, with my middle fingers to the air, letting him no he hasn't got ahold of me. And he has no meaning what so ever in my life. And im not so sure that even when, and if my problem goes away, I will ever find a place for this "thing" in my life. If I had another life, in which my parents used drugs and abandoned me at the time I needed them most, and 10 years later came back into my life thinking everything was good and well. No. If you abandon me at any time, you will never get my forgiveness. I dont forget who my real true friends are. God is not my friend, my creator, or my father. He is an abandoner. This is assuming, he does exist, in which I feel he's an awful person/holy spirit or whatever to worship.
.
A man who if created currency, only did so to cover up all aspirations of the contrary. One is led to believe that you can only find that joy in the form of little green pieces of paper with dead presidents photoshopped together. Colliding heads meet in the instance rich and poor come together, forming difference of opinions that aren't like assholes, but more resemblant of black holes in which all forms of matter get lost. It's a particle accelerator that has no off bottom. It's out to destroy. Who created this? This man that they demand us to get down on bended knee and worship. The only thing I will ever get down on bended knee for is my future wife before I propose to her. And i'll be damned if I get married in a church, but rather on the beach of Waikiki Beach in Honolulu, Hawaii. Where the sand is imported from Australia and the modern man made marvel exist only to me, as the 8th wonder of the world. Created by man.
.
Im not sure why they call us the human race, or why they call us selfish. The only race we as humans have are answers that never seem to get anything but questions. Questions upon questions. The world order that has evolved over the centuries has never seen anything like what we have going on now. It's significantly changes from the days of the yonder years. It's pretty sad though that the only memories of any kind of wonder years is the television series that was replayed on nick at night when I was a kid. Boy meets world was really boy meets girl, unless Topanga had an alias known as World. But why must I destroy my ear drums and vision with radiation and the sound of never ending instruments in order to simply drown out the thoughts that makes this devil we call satan, look like nothing more than a pussy cat.
.
Mayb there are no answers. Maybe I've come to the conclusion that there is no God. Maybe his is a figment of everyones imagination and the human face is so gullible in which they will believe in anything, as long as it makes them feel good. Maybe I am to much of a realist to buy into that BS. Maybe i'll pay for all of this someday, but I challenge that momemt to be more miserable than I am right now. Maybe i'll be singing a different tune someday, and when that happens the world will know. I will have a smile on my face. There will be no more broken mirrors, only heavybags. This is the biggest challenge of my life and its seemingly out of my control. I've gave this god plenty of time to take over and fix it and he hasn't. So I'm going to have to do this on my own.
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