Hey again. It's been awhile since I last spoke to you. Maybe its only been a day now, but it seems like eternity has passed by without being graced by your presence. When I woke up this morning, a part of me felt a little more empty. Having a hard enough time as it is to get through the days without becoming self depricated, its even harder without your voice to simmer some of the flames. Am I becoming a broken record?
I know that if anyone is to blame, its me. I'm hardly a pleasant person most of the time and if you ever see a smile out of me, its likely just an illusion. I've been told life is what you make it, and to me thats the most ingorant and vial thing i've ever heard. A catch phrase isn't going to raise my spirits, it only insults my intelligence and offers me comfort that this world is getting less graceful by the moment. Sometimes I feel as though I would have a great profession in being a mime, this way I wouldnt have to speak to anyone, I could cover all the imperfections in white paint and show the world my middle finger. They would laugh to hide the feeling of resentment.
When did it all start to become a game? When did who hurt the most become a competition between acquaintences. I can't tell someone anymore how I feel because they dont seek retribution, they seek action. Action in the form of, let me top your story because I'm more sadder than you. Such a lack of disrespect in so many shapes and forms that I nearly cant stand the anatomy of it all.
Also, when did caring for a person so much start to drive them away? When a woman gets physically or emotionally abused by every man they ever come across and give their heart to, leaving her sweat and tears and blood on the floor with the footprints of his shoes as he stomps every feeling out of her. But what happens when I good guy, one of the few left, approach that girl and offer her everything I woman could truly want. But they run. Because they are to used to getting treated in a manner in which I can't even begin to comprehend. If legal, i'd take a shotgun to every man that has done that to a woman and sleep better at night for it. God may forgive them for their sins, but I sure as hell won't.
Im not writing for your pleasure, im writing for my peace. The keyboard has become my therapist. I've started to become more vocal about my "issues" but the more I talk, the more people judge and the more people dont understand. We dont treat good people the way they should be treated, but ass holes always get the benefit of the doubt. Im not sure why. I could give someone an amazing life, but they wont have it. They'd rather be yelled at and beat, even if its just subconsciously. They are psychologically impaired in a way that only Frued would understand and even he may not be prepared for the what the world has come to. The DSM book gets bigger every year.
People wonder why I dont tell them good morning. What's good about it, I respond in a tone that they act like they've never heard before. I go to work at a job that I can't stand the people around me. The only thing good about it is that it pays good with good benefiits, but money is no issue for me. I go home and box in a state of mind that if anyone saw me doing it would call the cops for extreme acts of violence or disturbing the peace. By then it's time for bed, in which I experience that alone and fade away to the only part of my life where there is peace of mind, sometimes. Even my dreams haunt me with random topics that make me question reality.
All I wanted was to show her how she deserved to be treated. How there is hope for her and how she could have gotten everything she ever wanted, assuming it was want I think people want. Companionship, Equality, Loyalty. The american dream if you choose to believe in that sort of thing. But I drove her away. I turned into the asshole that she is normally drawn to. I dont know why I do this. Maybe because I trust no one. Maybe because I want it so bad that someone is trying to keep me down and punish me for not worshipping him like the rest of this bible belt.
I wont apolagize however, for what I offered you. Nor do I need to waste anymore time on that if won't accept me and my ways. My heart, beneath it all is pure. It just needs a jump start. I'm still in here somewhere. Reaching out to whoever will listen without critisizm or a one line catch phrase that they heard on TV the other night. I dont care to hear your opinion because i promise you mine is far worse of you and of myself. And you dont really want to get in a battle of words with me do you? All I'm really trying to say is, as ludacrous as it sounds...I miss you. Hell...I miss me.
Psychological Healing
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