Faith has never come easy to me. It's a four way crossroad in which no turn looks appealing. Everyone assumes that you believe in some higher power. Im not saying that I dont. What I am saying is that I do question alot of it, if not all of it. I was told today that it is known as blind faith, which is something I've never had towards anyone or anything. Like trust, for me that is something that is earned, not just given. Faith falls under the same category to me. I've yet to experience this unexplainable feeling of unworthiness that churches speak of. I've never felt the need to give away 10 percent of my income to a corrupt church that uses the name of God as a defense mechanism for their faults. I dont need to apolagize for my sins, when most christians dont even acknowledge all of theirs. They acknowledge what they want to acknowledge, and that is a sin within itselfs.
.
Some of the worst people I know are christians and claim to spread his word, but live by their own. These judgemental hypocrites are creating the ultimate sin in my opinion. Claiming to live by one standard, but completly going against it. One doesnt need to go to church or read the bible daily to know that this God that they speak of, is the only person that should be judging people. I'm not saying I dont do this, but I'm also not saying that I live by that book either. At least I'm keeping it real in this sense. Im not dishonoring anyone but myself when I act this way. I'm aware of my faults, all of them. No one is harder on me, than me. But I dont go asking forgiveness for them just to make them ok. I accept them and deal with them realistically.
.
A lady at work always is asking me to pray for her. Pray that she finds another job because the one she has is so bad. I'm sorry but you are making 70 thousand a year doing basically nothing. It's not bad, and I dont think a God should be bothered my such petty suggestions. I'm also not going to prayer for her. Why would I pray for someone else when this God wont answer my own prayers? 9 years I prayed for something to go away, something that should have been able to fix by modern medicine. It never did. Others told me that God will answer your prayers when the time is right. If being depressed to the point of never wanting to leave the house, and breaking numerous movable objects with yoru fist wasn't the right time, then im sorry, but that is a bit ridiculous to let someone keep living like that, if you have the power to fix it. So what good did praying do? I was told there was a right way and a wrong way to prayer. When I first heard that I thought this person was full of shit. To be honest I still feel that way. Who is this god to demand how I talk to him or how I word something. Sorry, to me praying did nothing for me. Expect make me feel even more worthless.
.
I'm struggeling with my belief in this matter. Not because I'm some athiest who just wants to be different, but because I have questions to things that people can't give me legit answers on. I'm an analyst by trade, and by heart. It's what I do. If there is a god, I shouldnt be punished for questioning such things. It's a far more noble thing to do than to preach something and not live by it. At least im not doing that. I have good morals, and I have high standards. Not because the bible says so, but because that is how I was raised. No matter who created me, my family is the one who raised me. I will not give credit to someone who had zero influence or effect on my life. I can't. I can't take that away from my mom, and dad, or even my brother. Who all visibly influenced me. I can't tell you one time in which I felt the presence of God in my life.
.
Before you assume wrong, I've read the bible. I dont feel any different. Alot of the things that the bible told me, I completely disagreed with. I agree with some of it, but not all. I've also went to church during periods of time in my life. Didnt' seem to make a difference and only caused more questions and frustration. If you judge me based on this, you can go to hell and burn for all I care, if such a place exist. I find it very un-nerving that this God would create such a place for his children. Even if my son someday or daughter were to murder someone, I would never wish such a thing on someone. It's my child.
.
Yes, I am stubborn. But im not against being proven wrong. I'd love to have this feeling of security and happiness that some great christians carry with them, but I dont. I just can't force myself to believe something when I feel nothing. Maybe ive grown cold, but my body is seemingly hot inside. Finding faith is a never ending journey in my life. I struggle with it constantly. I battle the good and evil as if it were night and day. I'd like to think that I treat people good, but some people just deserve to have their ass handed to them on a burning silver platter. I'm not sure how this was installed in me, but I do seem to be doing something right. I have everything a person could ever want, and more. Just left with an emptiness inside that doesnt seem any closer to being fulfilled by a spirit of invisibility.
.
Im not sure what else to call this journey, but Finding Faith. I have faith in me, in my abilities, in my determination, and what im capable of. But faith in something else? I havent found it yet.
.
Some of the worst people I know are christians and claim to spread his word, but live by their own. These judgemental hypocrites are creating the ultimate sin in my opinion. Claiming to live by one standard, but completly going against it. One doesnt need to go to church or read the bible daily to know that this God that they speak of, is the only person that should be judging people. I'm not saying I dont do this, but I'm also not saying that I live by that book either. At least I'm keeping it real in this sense. Im not dishonoring anyone but myself when I act this way. I'm aware of my faults, all of them. No one is harder on me, than me. But I dont go asking forgiveness for them just to make them ok. I accept them and deal with them realistically.
.
A lady at work always is asking me to pray for her. Pray that she finds another job because the one she has is so bad. I'm sorry but you are making 70 thousand a year doing basically nothing. It's not bad, and I dont think a God should be bothered my such petty suggestions. I'm also not going to prayer for her. Why would I pray for someone else when this God wont answer my own prayers? 9 years I prayed for something to go away, something that should have been able to fix by modern medicine. It never did. Others told me that God will answer your prayers when the time is right. If being depressed to the point of never wanting to leave the house, and breaking numerous movable objects with yoru fist wasn't the right time, then im sorry, but that is a bit ridiculous to let someone keep living like that, if you have the power to fix it. So what good did praying do? I was told there was a right way and a wrong way to prayer. When I first heard that I thought this person was full of shit. To be honest I still feel that way. Who is this god to demand how I talk to him or how I word something. Sorry, to me praying did nothing for me. Expect make me feel even more worthless.
.
I'm struggeling with my belief in this matter. Not because I'm some athiest who just wants to be different, but because I have questions to things that people can't give me legit answers on. I'm an analyst by trade, and by heart. It's what I do. If there is a god, I shouldnt be punished for questioning such things. It's a far more noble thing to do than to preach something and not live by it. At least im not doing that. I have good morals, and I have high standards. Not because the bible says so, but because that is how I was raised. No matter who created me, my family is the one who raised me. I will not give credit to someone who had zero influence or effect on my life. I can't. I can't take that away from my mom, and dad, or even my brother. Who all visibly influenced me. I can't tell you one time in which I felt the presence of God in my life.
.
Before you assume wrong, I've read the bible. I dont feel any different. Alot of the things that the bible told me, I completely disagreed with. I agree with some of it, but not all. I've also went to church during periods of time in my life. Didnt' seem to make a difference and only caused more questions and frustration. If you judge me based on this, you can go to hell and burn for all I care, if such a place exist. I find it very un-nerving that this God would create such a place for his children. Even if my son someday or daughter were to murder someone, I would never wish such a thing on someone. It's my child.
.
Yes, I am stubborn. But im not against being proven wrong. I'd love to have this feeling of security and happiness that some great christians carry with them, but I dont. I just can't force myself to believe something when I feel nothing. Maybe ive grown cold, but my body is seemingly hot inside. Finding faith is a never ending journey in my life. I struggle with it constantly. I battle the good and evil as if it were night and day. I'd like to think that I treat people good, but some people just deserve to have their ass handed to them on a burning silver platter. I'm not sure how this was installed in me, but I do seem to be doing something right. I have everything a person could ever want, and more. Just left with an emptiness inside that doesnt seem any closer to being fulfilled by a spirit of invisibility.
.
Im not sure what else to call this journey, but Finding Faith. I have faith in me, in my abilities, in my determination, and what im capable of. But faith in something else? I havent found it yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment