When The Waves Rush In, The Truth Comes Out.

Hey you...it's me again.  It's been awhile, I know.  I guess I've been spending the dark night oil trying to get myself back together.  But I thought of you again last night as I layed down in bed.  I had just cracked the window to let some fresh air in, and to add a little noise to my now known restless night.  I felt the muggy breeze blowing in next to my bed, and by the time I was drifting off, the air began to mimic the waves of the endless rushing in tides in a distant tropical paradise.  I guess we all have our happy place, and that was mine.  Suddenly bringing a smile to my face.  It's the little things I tell ya. 

But to my restless night....It's something that's hard to understand.  Thoughts running through you're end like a never ending maze.  How you'd rather hurt everyone in this world, to not hurt her.  And yet, you become the man of their past. The man you told yourself you would never become.  But how can the one person that amplifies your anxiety, be the one person that fills the void in you're life?  The idea of losing her scares you, so much that you unconsciously push her away. Even though you're already lost without her, but even while you're with that person, you still seek a form of foundation, a way to desynthensize the worries, and to recreate yourself from scratch to overcome the odds stacked up so high that no ladder could reach.  For you...For her...For everyone surrounding you that has an impact on your life. 

I used to keep things so bottled up that I would explode.  But before that I had always been afraid to speak my mind because of the fear of what others would think.  I wanted to be accepted, but if they knew the thoughts I had, it would drive them away.  As much as I said I didn't care what people thought about me, I did, deep down.  Now as I mature and become the man that I know I need to be, I've stopped caring.  In the best possible way. I can speak my mind through music, through poems, and through blog entries that maybe no even reads.  At least im getting it out there.  Not to say I can't be honest with others to their face.  I most certainly can, and have.  But it's only turned out bad.  Because when the waves rush in, the truth comes out.  And most people can't handle that classification in reality.  My intentions are to never hurt anyone though.  And everything I touch, seems to fall apart.  I battle this everyday.  It's a good thing I'm a fighter. 

But, theres always gonna be that moment in which someone describes you better than you even knew yourself and you become rendered speechless due to an unspoken, thought provoken mind.  It's hard to hear the words in which you've tried to hide to the world around you.  But sometimes they need to be said, and I've become one to dish it out, and no longer stand to have it dished out to me.  I can't stand the thought of being abandoned or attacked.  I instantly attack back.  I have to.  It's the only way I can find confidence in myself that I truly dont have. 

Now I know I have my issues, and I'm the first to confront them.  That way no one has anything to use against me.  It's reminiscence of the final scene in 8 mile.  Where B Rabbit disses himself in front of a crowd of people who have antaginized him throughout, just so the other guy wouldnt have anything to use against him.  It's reformed reality, and a perceptual thought that allows someone to do this, but most of all, it takes strength in oneself.  A will to overcome all odds, and defeat the demons that we all must fight everyday.  I'm fighting mine, but it gets easier everyday.  Hoping someday I can be forgiven for all the bad I've caused. I'm on the brink of forgiving myself, and that's the first step.  I know this because the waves are rushing in, and the truth is coming out.  I will confide in it for now, to set me free.